I love asking questions. Do you know or even, agree with me, that we all need knowledge and skills to do well in life? Yet, when we do have these things, events don’t go our ways as expected. One other fact is, no one wants to make mistakes. Mistakes are usually seen as failure. We also do not realise that there is no rehearsals in life. So, if there are no opportunities for rehearsals in life, don’t you realise that mistakes are a basic part of making it in life?
The biggest lessons I have ever learned as a youngman, either as a journalist or as a sports consultant, as an athlete or as a lecturer has been from the greatest mistakes I have variously made. Luckily, I have a sort of parents who believe what you as an individual believes in. Even when they disagree with you, they will express their position and ask you what is your final position. When you insist, they’ll follow you. When you fall, they’ll help you up and say, we told you, what is your new path?
As parents, they give us the space and honour. If my dad wants you to do something for him, he’ll say, ‘Mr. Fash, can you please get me my newspapers?’ when you bring it for him, he returns with a smile, ‘thank you sir’. My friends marvel how ‘your dad uses sir for you people in your house.
When I started work, my first boss, Mr. Dapo Olorunyomi will equally use sir for you for even what you are paid to do. He makes you feel you are doing him a favour. I got so bugged in the virus and till date it has been a part of me. Honour people around you and they feel so secure with you. It is security that builds the wall of intimacy.
This is not different in the home. Honour your spouse so well as much as you will want to be honoured. The instruction of the bible to women to be submissive to their husbands is based on the theory of honour. When you honour people, does it not make your spirit submissive?
Most marriages I have studied carefully crashed, including my own first marriage, is because that ingredient is missing. Honour is the blood that drives most successful marriages and institutions in the world. A honourable person is so submissive in spirit. Submission does not make you stupid!
Submission brings you respect. No one wants to hurt or injure a submissive person. Have you noticed this fact? When you submit and honour yourself, it will not be difficult to submit to and honour others around whether they are your subordinates or superiors. It earns you respect and loyalty. A submissive person is never in anger. A submissive person stifles so many things.
Do not ever consider your spouse to make you the centre of his or her world. Everyman has a life to live. A client once complained bitterly, ‘his friends are so important to him, he jokes with people outside but once he gets inside the house, he goes dry like a bone. His work, his sports and his other activities are too important to him than me.’
In reality, it is true that NOTHING can near or be as important than a spouse. It is the actions and attitudes she interpretes as making these activities more important than she does. I begged her, when you get home, make your own spouse the most important part of your life and see that you are not going to get the result.
Now, start with yourself. Make yourself important to yourself. Honour and respect yourself. Submit to yourself. Give only what you have. What you don’t have, can you give? Your words, actions, attitudes and behaviour must show honour to your spouse. Do this simple mathematic for one week and let us see if there is any improvement.
She left my office disenchanted and disappointed. She came back a week later saying, after two days of her experimenting with what looked ordinary words to her, she was shocked when the husband asked, ‘its like you have changed?’
He was surprised at her new chemistry. He came back home the fourth day with a gift for her. The lawyer husband could not believe his wife is such that talks with him with so much honour and respect. He had no option than to reciprocate the same gestures. On one occasion, they went out together, he was so broke she had to bear the cost, before, she would pay. This particular day, she brought out the money, fixed it in the car port where he can pick it. He picked and paid. He was allowed to sustain the honour of being the man. He was so surprised and ever since then, they’ve been a wonderful couple. When I gave her the manuscript of this book, she wrote back: “I am not surprised!”
The world we live in is so full of dishonourable people. That is not enough to make us lose our senses of honour. Be different. Be outstanding. Honour people around you and realise how much joy you mean and bring to them. Yourself worth must be constantly so high at all times in all places.
One day, a man I so much respect and adore for being a support pillar called me to follow him to a meeting. On his way out, he bidded everyone bye. As he was to leave the house, he told his wife: “I may not be the richest man in Nigeria or in the world. I may be a success in all I do. One job I can tell you I want to be remembered for is the BEST HUSBAND TO MY WIFEY.”
Instantly, it was obvious to me, she not only felt coo, she was fulfilled inside her. Her security was guaranteed in front of a stranger. I asked the boss, ‘what was the statement meant to achieve?’. That woman? I will do everything on earth to ensure she never feels so bad for a moment, except I am not aware what I did made her bad.
I agree and know that they are a perfect couple. They will in the evening hours especially during weekends go on long neighbourhood strolls holding their hands like newly found love birds. This is known of them in the area where they live.
He told me, ‘she went out of her ways to prayer houses on my behalf. She honours me with everything she has. You know her parents are very rich. The wealth of her parents never one day ran into her head. I am a signatory to her accounts. Painfully, she is not to mine. She makes it look like I am the one who owns the whole money but the truth is, she is the source of my wealth.’
Uhm! The woman not only has a husband. She used her submissive nature to ‘buy’ a husband. No other value outside is enough to take the man out. Though, I know that he has some women outside but he keeps these other ones at a distance. Those words are securing.
‘I tell her these things in different ways virtually everyday. It is almost my own national anthem,’ he affirmed. You must express the value of the those you love preferably in words or in gift, sometimes in your own personal handwriting. Even to my children and staffers, I tell them how valuable they are to me. Their worth is what makes me what I am.
‘One day, my secretary sent me a text citing Psalm 139:15-16. Instantly, I changed it to: “Bimbo was not a mistake, for all her days are written in Ayo’s (my name) book.” I sent it to her and you cannot believe it that she felt so radiant and has never deleted it from her phone till date.”
When Chief Obafemi Awolowo referred and called his wife, Hannah, ‘my jewel of inestimable value’ what did you think he was doing? It is our own conduct that will make people respond to us the way we do. Hannah must have done too many things to her husband for him to be able to write such things. You know one thing, most men don’t pretend on issues like this. What he wrote about the wife most likely is the true situation he felt inside his mind and heart.
June 14th 1994
Dear social worker,
I am 62 years old, a retired civil servant having worked in government service for 36 years in the choicest offices of the land. I had very good education when it mattered most. I have Julianah my good wife from a good home near my village. She is my co-opted mother. We toiled and moiled together for 39 years.
Materially, by any standard now, I think I am comfortable. It contacts is the issue, I have the means to get anything I want in this country since I had good rapport with people everywhere I’ve worked ranging through the Planning and Budget department of the Federal Ministry of Finance, as Secretary to three regime’s Supreme Military Councils, the diplomatic service, Mines and Power etc
My beautiful wife gave me five children: Lanipekun 35, Ibidoja 33, George 32, Ifeanyi 29 and Mandela 24. All my children had everything they wanted that money can buy. We have the choicest houses in London, Lagos, Jos, Kaduna and my village.
Candidly, my only problem is my last child, Mandela. He is too aggressive, withdrawn and can’t explain himself by talking to people. Instead of expressing himself, he’ll get annoyd and become coldly quiet. He loves no other thing than his game of chess, scrabble, draft and early morning long jogging. His love for the opposite sex is very limited. He is brilliant in school, intelligent and well admired by people who come across him.
Some people confess that he is a special breed. He does not smoke nor drink alcohol. To that extent, we are friends. Many times, we don’t see eye to eye. He has a better rapport with his mother, that on its own is not adequate to understand Mandela.
Twice, we had to try to see if we can understand him from his only girlfriend, Edith. We were befounded when Edith said repeatedly amidst tears that she “does not understand him. At one point, he is so loving. At another, he is so moody. Many times, he loves being alone without any form of contacts all. I love him. He loves me so passionately but I can’t understand him’”
The problems we have with Mandela is unique to him. We never really had the same with his only sister, the second child in the house nor with his other brothers. Whereas, he had the best of everything to himself from school, cloth, money, gifts, and general comfort.
Another point we quarrel often over is the issue of church going. He is a complete rebel of a sort. The moment you seem to be tired of preaching to him, the moment he starts to go to church; When you want to silently express joy, he’ll stop. He has two cars to himself, yet he many atimes would trek to slum areas of the community where he cultured his friends from.
One evening, we had a slight difference. A minor one indeed compared to what we used to have or had had in the past. Suddenly, Mandela rose on his six feet frame and slapped me with his mother right there in the parlour. I felt humiliated. I felt defiled. I shed tears uncontrollably for days. I felt abomination. The mother was hysterical. The boy stormed out of the house for weeks without being reached.
The other children were told of the incident. They just came in at once. They pleaded individually and jointly with me not to take offence. I am still at loss. Why? In Yorubaland where I come from, its an abomination for a child to lay his or her hands on the parents. I prayed and fasted for him, yet, I can’t get answers. For five years now, I’ve been wondering.
I’ve tried to forgive Mandela. He is the child after my heart. I’ve tried to show him everything. He had severally apologised to me but the incident will not blot out of my mind. I’ve remained troubled. We still cannot appreciate Mandela uptil now.
Dear social worker, a family friend of ours, the Attahs, gave us your address to get in touch with you. We had tried to go to the United Kingdom with him to see if we can solve this same problem, he does not like travelling abroad at all. He is the only person in the house who had not travelled abroad in the last 15 years. What can we do? Please help us. We need help and QUICKLY too.
One thing is, you should open an office where we that are troubled can consult with you as they do in Europe. We need people like you now than ever in this country. We will wait for your magical touch. We’ve heard you’ve tackled even worse cases than ours. The Attahs revealed the whole lot you did for them. We are ready to spend everything we have to cure ourselves and Mandela of this problem. You may call me on this line.........and tell us how to locate you. We need the solutions urgently.
Thank you. We are eagerly waiting for you.
Yours sincerely.
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